At the beginning of this century I had the good fortune to work for a small software company called Winternals. I’m sure it will come as no great surprise that I became the de facto social director while I was there. My crowning achievement every year was planning the annual holiday party, but what I really enjoyed was composing the passive/aggressive companywide email with details about the event. I think this one was my favorite. Hard to believe it was 16 years ago though I’m sure some of the techno jargon is dated by now.
PRESS RELEASE
Winternals Holiday Party 5.1 Provides Greater Sociability for Enterprise-wide Employees. Holiday Party Seen as Yearend Solution for Company-wide Holiday Cheer
(Austin, TX December 10, 2003)
Winternals, a leading provider of Microsoft systems infrastructure availability and performance solutions, today announced that Truluck’s will be the site of the release of its Holiday Party version 5.1, an enterprise-level holiday celebration solution that now provides greater sociability in specifically targeted medium-sized yuletide environments. This new version offers a bug fix for version 5.0 that inadvertently deleted spouses, dates and significant others, causing the entire office to shut down while employees whined about their perceived sense of entitlement.
“The new features in version 5.1 of the Holiday Party will represent a vast improvement in the way in which our employees ring in the holidays,” said Edwin Brasch, President and CEO of Winternals. “While last year’s HolidayParty version 4.0 offered unlimited access to the bar while it was running, it also resulted in a few corrupted employees almost being deleted. In fact one employee was temporarily deleted, but we were able to recover him several months later.
“Holiday Party version 5.1 begins when the end users arrive at Truluck’s located at 4th and Colorado (complimentary valet parking provided). Upon entering the site the user will gain access to the program by descending a flight of stairs located to the left of the entrance that leads to the Naples Room.
Holiday Party version 5.1 takes a “phased-in” approach to celebrating. The first phase, the cocktail hour, begins at 6:00. During this time the end user is offered the option of no more than two refreshing beverages of their choice plus an array of appetizers including Spinach Artichoke Dip, Hot & Crunchy Chicken Brochette, and of course, Stone Crab Claws. At 7:00 the cocktail hour shuts down and the bar automatically closes.
Phase two consists of dinner. “While Holiday Party version 4.0 offered a FABULOUS buffet, we wanted to offer our employees a more seamless experience while maintaining the granularity necessary for those of us who are on a diet and like to talk about it incessantly,” stated Brasch. “To that end we will offer a ROBUST seated dinner consisting of three courses and served with a predetermined number of bottles of both red and white wine,” he added.Upon being seated end-users will be presented with a menu that allows them to select from several options including Sonoma Greens Salad, Spinach Salad, Jalapeno Salmon Bearnaise, 8 0z. Tenderloin Filet, North African Spiced Chicken and a dessert sampler featuring Chocolate Malt Cake, Carrot Cake, and Cheesecake.
As the dinner phase is finishing (approximately 9:00) the “Remarks form the Company Owners” phase initiates. This program usually takes no more than 20-30 minutes to run after which a backup will be done in the form of a group photo of all the end users. Note that the photographer (same as inversion 4.0) will be available throughout the evening while the program is running to capture recovery points on film (like right before you spill your drink on your date) for future reference. This is a no-cost feature of Holiday Party version 5.1 that greatly enhances the overall user experience.
Holiday Party v 5.1 shuts down completely at approximately 10:00 at which time you are free to take your hard drive and corrupt it with whatever files you choose to. Numerous options for doing so are located immediately outside the site.
One additional note: A help file is available. The most common query revolves around appropriate attire while the program is running. Searches involving key words such as “dressy” and “business attire ” usually give the best results. “Blue jeans” and “sweatshirts” will result in “no matches found”.
About Winternals
Founded in 1996, Winternals is a leading provider of parties and celebrations and counts among its employees fifty-four of the Fortunate 55. Winternals party solutions empower its employees and remind them that their ability and determination to rapidly resolve the daily emergencies that arise when developing and executing strategy are one of the core dependencies of a growing software company.For more information or to RSVP (and indicate if you will be bringing a guest) NO LATER THAN FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12th, please contact: Miss L. Toe, Director, Strategic Celebrations Winternals Software LP
I'm Just Being Frank 
Hilarious! – but I’m not sure Truluck’s would appreciate you casting such aspersions on their neighborhood. They would probably opine that you’d have to walk several blocks to get your hard drive corrupted.
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