Flower Talk

08.14.18

Some days the flowers speak to me in plaintive tones and so it was with these stems yesterday. Alstroemeria, or Peruvian lilies as they’re sometimes called, are the favored flower of locally owned coffee shops, vegan restaurants and bakeries everywhere. Sensing that my options were limited early on a Monday morning, I took their pleas to heart and decided to rescue them from a fate of being placed in generic salt and pepper shakers repurposed as bud vases and having them bear witness to an endless stream of Tinder first dates (“I love that this place serves free trade coffee, don’t you?” “I’m a HUGE Bon Iver fan too!” “You got a real purdy mouth.”)

Alstroemeria are generally considered just one notch above carnations as cut flowers by the floral cognoscente. Why, I’m not really sure. The blooms are attractive, come in a wide variety of colors and are relatively long-lived. They do have a tough time holding their own in an arrangement and since I HAD to go back to the grocery store today (I forgot to buy granola), I picked up some Mardi Gras asters to help them out.

My theory is that some people want their flowers to be expensive, high maintenance, and short lived; a metaphor for bad relationship decisions if there ever was one. My advice? Choose the alstroemeria. Those peonies are just gonna take your money and break your heart.

08.05.18

Sometimes the flowers at the grocery store have nothing to say. Except for the roses of course. They’re always crooning about how every one of them has its thorn. NO SALE, Brett Michaels.

The other day the Asiatic lilies were silent, not a bloom in sight, but beckoned me nonetheless with their tightly held buds and the promise of forthcoming splendor. Call it floral foreplay if you will. Totally worth $4 for the money shot a day later. Just don’t let them get their pollen all over everything.

07.22.18

Sunflowers are not my favorite, but they have their place. That said, these spoke to me at the grocery store today and said, “Yo, it’s hot as balls; what else are you going to find that looks this good?” And after perusing the other options it turned out they were correct. Bonus: I also picked a bunch of greenery to go with them and apparently the cashier thought it was one bouquet so all in this summertime floral magic set me back $4.98. The money I saved should keep me in iced tea through the end of the week.

03.02.18

I remember seeing a Barbara Walters interview years ago (1992 to be exact) with Kirstie Alley when she was relevant, or at least more relevant than she is now which is to say, not at all. She talked at length, and still does apparently, about her past cocaine addiction. But what stuck in my mind (though I had to refresh my memory by enduring the first 5 mins. of the interview on YouTube) was Babs commenting on all the flowers in the house. When Kirstie kicked her habit she vowed that she would spend weekly on flowers what she had blown on blow – $400. Keep in mind that this was the late 80’s so I have no idea what a heavy weekly coke habit would run these days, but if anyone has insight into that feel free to comment.

Anyhow, it got me to thinking about my own vices at the time. I don’t mean to brag, but I could have made the living room of my old duplex look like a florist’s shop if I had decided to buy flowers with what I spent weekly on booze and cigarettes.

I love flowers. I love to grow them. They bring me joy. Beer and cigarettes used to bring me joy or so I thought. And while flowers are usually viewed as an extravagance, the purchase of a six pack of Rolling Rock and pack of Marlboro Lights seemed to me to be essential, like I was covering two of the four basic food groups, the other two being Diet Coke and Altoids.

I thought about all of this recently when I was perusing the floral section at my neighborhood grocery store. It’s a smaller store with a limited selection that caters to a wide variety of tastes. They have daisy chrysanthemums that have been dyed bright blue and glitter bombed along with more subtle offerings like Bells of Ireland and delphinium. I enjoy looking at the $3.98 bunches of a particular type of flower and have now made a habit buying one of these and making a small arrangement each week. This week’s selection was Marticaria, i.e. little white daisies with yellow centers that just kind of spoke to me and said, “Yeah, it’s the first week of March, let’s get this Spring thing going.”

And flowers that speak to you, especially if you’re not drunk or high, are a bargain at $4.

04.24.19

Instead of succumbing to the “Hey sailor, like my stamen?” catcalls I usually receive when I pass by the cut flowers whilst shopping at the grocery store, and that inevitably end up being a week long fling at best, I’ve decided to enter a long term floral relationship. Actually, this decision was made for me by some matchmaking friends who gifted me with not one, but two, of my very favorite flowers- orchids.

For something that seems so exotic, orchids are remarkably easy to keep alive and seem to thrive on neglect. When done blooming I put them outside in what I refer to as my “plant infirmary” where they are pretty much subject to the vagaries of temperature, rainfall, etc. Some of them perish, but I have had some come back to bloom another day which is always a pleasant surprise.

The South Texas Botanical Garden, which is located in my hometown of Corpus Christi, is home to the Sam Jones Orchid Conservatory. Mr. Jones, who passed away last year, is the father of my longtime friend, Kathryn Jones. She has posted photos of the many rare and beautiful orchids that he cultivated there and is a tribute to his passion for orchid plants that he continued to pursue into his 90’s. It’s definitely on my list of places to visit next time I’m in Big CC.

While orchids might not be my passion, I do enjoy their company. I look forward to the next 2-3 months of floral bliss though I know it’ll just be a matter of time before I’m once more taken in by the star gazer lilies, alstroemeria, gerbra daisies and who knows what other trollop blossoms turning their $4 tricks next to the mylar balloons.

01.01.19

As I was picking up a few items at the store on New Year’s Eve the flowers spoke to me and said, “Happy New Year! May you BLOSSOM in 2019! HAR! HAR!” Those flowers; what a bunch of pistils.

I can’t say that I’ve blossomed per se, but on balance 2018 was a pretty good year. I lost 20 lbs. I grew a beard. I also grew some of my own food. Had I grown ALL my own food I would have no doubt lost even more weight. I got a tattoo. I planned my first big trip. I practiced the art of saying “No” more often though Spencer considered it folly. I worked on being the most authentic version of me I can be. If I’m loved because of it, or even in spite of it, I’m the richer for it. If I’m not, well, I’m not missing out on much. I tried to live in the moment, not for the moment, and I expect that 2019 will have its fair share of moments that I will be present in, hopefully with many of you who I know and love as well as with those who I have yet to meet and yet to love.

While I’m not big on New Year resolutions I AM big on giving unsolicited advice. So with that in mind I’m going to tell you that I think you should resolve to pick yourself up a $4 bouquet of flowers next time you’re at the grocery store buying a box of Frosted Flakes, a liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper, a can of pitted black olives and a shower cap. Will they speak to you? Perhaps. If they tell you you’re being frivolous, challenge them! If they tell you you look like you could use a little self love, listen to them. And if they tell you that you should celebrate life, grab them by their little stems, hold them to your chest and dance around the aisle, especially if “Your Kiss Is on My List” by Hall & Oates is playing over the PA system. Not that I’ve ever known anyone to do that of course. Happy New Year!