This Sh*t is Bananas 02.06.20

This morning I waited for the snow to melt (ha!) before going on my walk and let me tell you brothers and sisters, it was BRISK. I took my usual route through the neighborhood and St. Edward’s University campus to the athletic field where I try to get in as many laps as time and body will allow me to. It was in between classes so there were lots of students milling about and I was amused by the number of male students wearing shower sandals and white socks and the number of coeds who were delighted to have yet another excuse to wear that puffy coat they got on clearance at Nordstrom Rack.

When I arrived at the track I picked up the pace and about 500 feet in noticed that there, right in the middle, was a banana; not a banana peel but a fully intact banana. I didn’t let this discovery break my stride, but my curiosity was piqued so on my second lap I slowed my roll as I approached the banana and inspected it a bit more closely and without picking it up could tell that it was moderately ripe, had a few bruises and that the peel was unbroken. I carried on. By the third lap I had decided I was going to make contact with the banana. I once more slowed down, this time glancing around to see if there was anyone nearby who looked like they might be missing a banana (there wasn’t) and then reached down and picked it up off the ground. It was indeed a fine banana. But now what do I do with it?

I set the banana down on a nearby bench on the off chance that its owner might claim it. I resumed my walk and every lap when I walked past the banana I felt compelled to acknowledge it; a slight nod, a smile. At one point I think it smiled back. If you think about it, bananas are really good at smiling. Of course the inverse is true and they’re also good at frowning. At any rate, with each passing I pondered its fate. I briefly toyed with the idea of turning it in to lost and found just to see the look on their faces then realized they probably would have called the campus police. I finally decided that if no one had claimed the banana by the time I was done I would take it with me.

Then I was faced with how to get it home. Do I carry it in my hand (I was wearing gloves due to the cold), because let’s face it, there’s not anything even remotely creepy about an old guy with a gray beard wearing sweats, gloves and a fishing hat carrying a banana through a throng of young people, many of whom aren’t even old enough to drink. I then had the idea of putting it under my hat with the added bonus of getting in touch with my inner Carmen Miranda by wearing fruit on my head and humming “South American Way” all the way home. I also considered sticking it in the pocket of my track pants and repeating the same punchline to myself for the next mile and a half, “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

But ultimately I drew my inspiration from Gwen Stefani who obviously found herself in the EXACT same situation when she sang:“Few times I’ve been around that track, So it’s not just gonna happen like that, Let me hear you say, this sh*t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S”

Indeed it is, Gwen. Indeed it is.